Last week ended on the blissful notion that although the world is a frequently mysterious and confusing nightmare, sometimes things just settle into their right places. That's right: Justin Bieber had been arrested for general jackassery. His brief incarceration and adorable headshot were all anybody could talk about, particularly if you define "anybody" as "children with Twitter accounts." But it now appears that the world was too hasty in its wishful thinking! Justin Bieber was not only released in time to spend a weekend in beautiful Panama, it also appears several of of his legal worries are either unfounded or are bound for dismissal. In other words, everything's coming up Bieber!
First off: Those "drag racing" charges? According to TMZ, video surveillance evidence — in concert with the rental Lamborghini's GPS system — verify that the "race" speed had only reached about 27 mph when the police pulled him over. Furthermore, Bieber's blood alcohol level was only .014, or "nowhere near the legal limit of .08." Now, obviously even if the reckless driving or DWI charges don't pan out Bieber will still have to answer for his belligerent behavior toward the arresting officer, but that's not quite major enough to require a major life change, right?
Meanwhile, those egging charges from a few weeks back were already admittedly pretty bogus; if we're being real, people were only concerned about that prank in the same way people were concerned about Al Capone's tax returns. But TMZ also reports that the L.A. Sheriff's Department, upon raiding Bieber's mansion, "found no evidence he egged his neighbors house." In other words, Bieber probably definitely egged his neighbors' house, but there's no incontrovertible evidence linking him to it, which means no criminal charges are likely to be filed. So there you have it! His two biggest legal issues will result in little more than a light, loving spank on the rump and NOT the lifetime prison sentence for which most of the population clamors. The truly frightening part of it all is that now Bieber may start feeling emboldened to exact bigger and more destructive crimes on society. Like toilet papering houses or driving rented Lamborghinis at speeds of up to 34 mph! It's hard to say for sure just what Justin Bieber's next reign of terror will look like, but it's probably a good idea to start stocking up on emergency rations and drinking water and lowering your storm shutters in anticipation. The next one just may be The Big One
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